MASCOTAPHOBIA


We slithered through the bowels of the CRACK DEN —- and have made a prognosis on what exactly the ailment suffered by Crackhead Theo (CHT) is. Its not any substance which is the real problem —- that is just a symptom of the bigger picture…….which is

FEAR OF MASCOTS

Everyone knows Theo spent the summer in a rehab clinic in New Mexico. However – there is a special wing dedicated to analysis of problems – real and imagined – of sports mascots. People have been treated there for fantasizing about the Colorado State Ram — for thinking the Notre Dame leprechaun is their friend – and lives in the same apartment with them and have conversations with it — in front of normal people —– for mascot theft and abduction and the like.

There are two theories of why CHT went into Mascot Rehab. Firstly – as noted below – there is a mascot who has gotten inside his head —- and in relapses – it is believed to have ordered CHT to punch out SJ Sharkie and to quit on the team in the Rag$ / Pens game..among other transgressions committed before rehab.

Secondly – Investigators are still trying to link CHT to the disappearance of the Islander Mascot NYISLES. Was it a coincidence that CHT – an avowed Western Conference style player came to NY shortly after the disappearance of NYISLES??? Investigators believe that CHT knows where the body is buried. They have not been able to “crack” the information out of CHT just yet. Plus – the Ranger$ do not have a team sanctioned mascot…..a perfect placement by the Devil ! Keep your friends close and enemies closer ! Remember – The Islanders DID accuse NJ Devil of foul play shortly after his demise live on the Jumbotron scoreboard! But this investigation

The Crack Den will list five Mascots that ought to be looking over their shoulder ——- with regards to CHT
* NJ Devil – This is the mascot that successfully penetrated the Head of CHT. Whenever confronted on any prior violation – CHT always said “The DEVIL MADE ME DO IT !” —– but it took some time to figure out – it was not Lucifer, not Satan , Not Miroslav Satan, not Scott Stevens, not the New Jersey Devils Hockey team – but the DEVILS MASCOT that pops into his head. Whilst walking in the underground of the San Jose Arena – NJ DEVIL pops up in CHT’s head and speaks to CHT. ” Look, there’s that schmuck SJ Sharkie. He gets invited to ALL the Mascot days…….I rarely get out of Jersey. sniff. I can’t stand that punk…..GET HIM CHT!” —- THAT is how it happened folks. Now other recent events suggest that the DEVIL is still within CHT…….but If I were the NJ Devil – I would watch my back.
** Stanley C. Panther – Florida Panther Mascot. Stanley C. is one of the more aggressive mascots. Has a style of mascotting ( is there such a word?) similar to the way CHT plays. They are alike – and as such – might mix like oil and water. Stanley C kicked the butt of NJ Devil at the last mascot day at the Nassau Coliseum too…….Don’t be surprised if Stanley C. gets a visit from CHT after the DEVIL makes him do it !

*** Carelton – Mascot of the Toronto Maple Leafs. What is an original six team doing with a mascot anyway?

*** Thunderbug – Tampa Bay Lightning – CHT might swat this bug…..Thunderbug better have swift wings !!

**** Sparky – New York Islanders — This building houses the inner demons of CHT. NO ONE is safe with CHT in THIS house. Look what happened to NYISLES? I hope Sparky has good life insurance.

As I noted earlier – the next road game for the Rag$ is March 5 in Minnesota. If Minnesota has a mascot – BEWARE CHT !

Theo’s demons came out again in Penn Station. NJ Devil – the Devils Mascot was seen grinning underneath the MSG stands as Crackhead Theo (CHT) was TOSSED out of YET ANOTHER GAME – with the game on the line.

With 4:18 seconds left in a 4-3 game that the Rag$ were losing, CHT gets called for a Tripping penalty. At this point CHT believes he is being singled out, ala Gretzky saying everyone hates Canada, CHT cries, “Everyone hates me!!!” He fires the puck against the boards in frustration and his continuing arguement earns him a 10 minute game misconduct. It is noted that this is the first game the rag$ have lost in regulation when CHT scores a goal. What good is it if you take a bad penalty, then get booted from the game, during which time your team goes on a subsequent PP and could have used your services?
He stormed down the chute, thankfully no mascots were to be seen. BUT-

Let’s not forget what CHT did to SJ Sharkie ! We MUST NEVER FORGET !

Certainly – from his hospital bed – SJ Sharkie was glad to see CHT being led off the ice in a straightjacket……..NJ Devil put another trance on CHT – as pointed out in the edition of THE CRACK DEN printed before this game. Fleury once again has undermined his RANGER$ teammates. Pretty soon – he will be back in New Mexico at the Funny Farm. Let’s take a look at the VICTIM – SJ Sharkie first – Then THEO’s TORMENTOR – the NJ Devil:
S.J. Sharkie enters his tenth NHL campaign and has enjoyed each and every moment. Even though he is a small fish in a big Tank, he still manages to make his presence known during the San Jose Sharks’ home games.

The lovable fish has the enviable task of entertaining Sharks’ fans, and night-in and night-out he lives up to expectations by performing a variety of unique, exciting and death-defying stunts for the sold-out San Jose Arena.

Since his NHL debut in January of 1992, Sharkie has not only become popular in the California area; he has become one of the most recognized mascots in the universe. He is highly respected outside the arena and makes over 350 appearances per year to events ranging from birthday parties, to flower deliveries to hospital visits.

In addition to his appearances, Sharkie is also involved with a myriad of charities like the American Cancer Society, Easter Seals, The Sharks Foundation and his annual miniature golf tournament. His popularity also spawned his own merchandise line and web site; the first ever solely devoted to a professional mascot.

Aptly coined the hardest working fish in sports, Sharkie has been selected to participate in the NHL All-Star Game the past seven seasons. The fearless mascot once even dropped the gloves with one of his rivals, Stanley C. Panther, at one of the All-Star contests. S.J. was also chosen to drop the ceremonial first puck at the 1997 NHL All-Star Game in San Jose.

When not performing in flicks or in front of the Sharks’ fans, S.J. enjoys watching his favorite films including Jaws, Splash and Slap Shot. He also never misses any San Jose away games on the tube, especially the ones against Calgary, where his most-heated rival, Harvey the Hound, resides.

If this info on Sharkie wasn’t enough for you, click on S.J. Sharkie News and find out what the San Jose mascot does on a daily basis, as S.J. gives you access to his diary. His latest entry is “From the Hospital Bed” – where he lies with broken ribs inflicted by Theo Fleury of the New York Rangers – who was tormented by NJ Devil.

Tale of the tape – SJ SHARKIE

NHL Affiliate: San Jose Sharks
Height: 6-3
Weight: Tips the “scales” at over 500 lbs.
Favorite team: San Jose Sharks

Super skills: Rappelling down from the arena rafters, taking a bite out of his opponents and speeding across the ice on his all-terrain vehicle

Little known fact: Was a ring-bearer at a wedding ceremony, made an appearance in the movie Ed TV

Rival: Harvey the Hound and Stanley C. Panther
NJ Devil is an NHL mascot that is loved by many and hated by all the other mascots, as he is the mascot for last year’s Eastern Conference champions, the New Jersey Devils. When you’re the crowd pleaser and opponent teaser for a team that’s been to the Stanley Cup Finals in three of the last six NHL campaigns, it’s easy to see why all the other mascots want a piece of you. As a matter of fact, the New Jersey mascot likes to rub salt in the other mascot’s wounds by constantly talking about two of his favorite Devil memories, the 1995 and 2000 Cup championships.

The legend of the “Jersey Devil” has fascinated New Jersey residents since the early 1700’s and sightings have been reported in and around the South Jersey Pine Barrens ever since. However, NJ Devil first appeared on the NHL scene during the 1993-94 season.

NJ Devil sightings are now most common at the Continental Airlines Arena, especially during hockey season. He often has been spotted skating up and down the ice, signing autographs, sliding across the ice on his ATV and dancing in the aisles. He loves to interact with the fans at the games too, so whenever you’re at a Devils game, be sure to give a big hello and high-five to NJ Devil and he’ll be right on your tail giving one or two back!

To see what NJ Devil is up to these days check out NJ’s web page – and you will see the nightly seances he holds with Ranger forward Theo Fluery who has been hypnotized by NJ Devil. Last night’s game misconduct for Fluery was arranged by the Devil.

TALE OF THE TAPE – NJ DEVIL

NHL Affiliate: New Jersey Devils
Height: 7 ft. (including horns)
Weight: unknown
Favorite team: New Jersey Devils
Super skills: Sliding across the ice on his ATV and dancing up a storm in the aisles

Little known fact: His favorite song is Running with the Devil

Rival: Every other NHL mascot

Owns : Theo Fleury

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