Editor’s note: This is by far Captain Crackhead’s best work. I was in tears reading this when he first sent it to me. Please if you enjoy his contributions, email him by clicking on the email text link above.
Also, there are several ‘hidden’ links. Find them, click them, have fun!!!
A faithful reader submitted a suggestion that he would like to see a story about Crackhead Theo (CHT) involved with other celebs in REHAB – and I thought it was the basis of a good idea ( THANKS FOR WRITING TO ME) – and I had a vision of CHT on Hollywood Squares- so let’s merge the ideas: Now on to the show —
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Kenny Williams: Ladies and gentlemen, today, one of these stars is sitting The Secret Square, and the contestant who picks it first could win a prize package worth over $2000…and now which star is it? (drumroll with brass note before each star’s name)
From the Pittsburgh Penquins – Kevin Stevens !
From the billboard charts – Whitney Houston !
From the world of baseball – Doc Gooden !
AND his tag team partner – Darryl Strawberry !
From Hollywood – Winona Ryder !
From Hollywood and TV – Robert Downey Jr.
From Tv and Hollywood – CHARLIE SHEEN
From the world of music – COURTNEY LOVE
and in the CENTER SQUARE – from the New York Ranger$ — CRACKHEAD THEO !!
…all in The Hollywood Squares! And now, here’s the master of The Hollywood Squares…….
…….Peter Marshall (click on Peter to hear the game rules)
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Peter: We have two guests today – from the town of CRACKerJack, Pennsylvania – welcome the ‘O’ square – Mary Jones !
And from Snowy Mount, Montana welcome Bob Crackus as the ‘X’ square !
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Peter: ONTO The Squares ! Bob – you won the coin toss – you go first::::
Bob – I will pick Crackhead Theo please
CHT – Well – Its about freakin’ time someone picked me !
Peter Marshall: CHT !!! How goes it? Nice Olympics for you – can we see your gold medal?
CHT – NO. You are all out to get me. You think I am going to show YOU my Gold Medal? Is your name Gretzky? I didn’t think so – kiss my ass!
Peter – Hey – I never said that !
CHT – Well EXCUSE ME – and can you tell that stupid b**tch Courtney Love to SHUT UP already – she is way too noisy
Love – I will F**k you up Crackhead
CHT – Promises Promises ! – Now what is the question
Peter – Fill in the blank – You have a plumber come over the house and he is fixing the pipes……and on the backside you can see what is commonly referred to as Plumber’s BLANK
CHT – How do I know. All I know is I want some Crack – so there is my Answer. CRACK !!
Bob – I disagree –
Peter – HE’s right ! It is Plumbers Crack. Circle gets the center square.
Mary – I will take Darryl Strawberry
Peter: Darryl ! How goes it
Straw – I don’t know — I have a drug addiction and alcohol addiction problem, I have wife problems, I have tax problems, I have cancer – but other than that – I am doing ok.
CHT – Geez – you think You have problems? Complain, Complain BITCH BITCH BITCH
Peter – Well CHT – Darryl has had a tough year down there in Florida
CHT – Any tougher than I had it when McCreary called me for Boarding against the Lightning? I wasn’t anywhere near the guy. Then that prick refs the game the next night vs. Florida and penalizes me for bumping Luongo. I never touched him. Just like that call against me in the Olympics when I used Hasek like a cheap sleeping bag. So don’t tell me about having problems down in Florida – not like Me !
Doc – Shut Up CHT – Darryl and I are always in jail, in rehab or paying some lawyer down in Florida – you are hardly ever there
Peter – Can we get back to the show now?
CHT- OK – but if these 2 guys piss me off – I will take this hockey stick and……
Kevin Stevens: Shove it up your nose – like that crack we did on the bus in Pittsburgh that game you quit on your team?
CHT – Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh……… I thought that was our “little secret”
Peter – GENTS
Straw: Peter- did you give me the question yet?
Peter : NO – Here it is…..”A popular song goes Jimmy BLANK Corn – and I don’t care” Fill in the blank.
CHT – I KNOW IT !!
Whitney Houston – He did not ask you
CHT – Screw you bi**h. Listen – how does a world class singer/actress like you wind up with a ghetto kid for a husband?
Courtney – Shut up CHT – or I will come down
CHT – and do what ?
PETER – PEOPLE !!!!!!!
Straw – OK – my answer is this – Jimmy Pops Corn
Mary – I agree –
CHT – YOU IDIOT ! The answer is CRACK – CRACK !!
Peter – Now CHT ! Please restrain yourself – the square goes to X Bob? Your turn
Bob – Can I have Robert Downey Jr.
Robert – YO
Peter – Hello Robert. What next acting opportunity are you throwing down the drain this time
Robert – Well – I was going back to Ally McBeal – but Steven Soderburgh called…..and I am mulling over this part – I don’t know if I am going to get it
CHT – Robert ! My Man ! Come to my Rehab center in New Mexico. If Gretzky can find me there – any major motion picture director can find you there too!
Kevin Stevens- Can the Ranger$ find me there too for a 2 year deal worth 6 million per?
CHT – I’ll put in a good word for ya
Peter – Robert – here is your question
Robert – FINE – just give me a crack at it
Peter – Rice Krispies has three cartoon characters – Snap – BLANK and POP – who is the middle one
CHT : CRACK !!!
Robert – I will vote with my rehab buddy CHT – CRACK !
Bob the contestant – I disagree
Peter – CRACKLE. X gets the square
CHT – but we were right ! Crack!
Peter: not quite CHT……. X gets the square. Now to Mary
Mary the contestant – Winona Ryder for the block
Winona – Hey Peter !
Peter – Hi Winona – how are things?
Winona – Picking up for me Peter, thanks
CHT – You mean “5 finger discount” type of pickup Winnie???
Winona – Whatever do you mean CHT?
CHT – I mean what have you stolen lately? Prada shoes?
Darryl – I stole bases for many years. When I would get a hit, if there was a free base I would steal it.
CHT : Shut up you fool ! I free-base all the time.
Winona – I have a new boyfriend –
Peter – what does he do ?
Winona – His name is Bill- and he is a referee in the National Hockey League – and we are in love
CHT – What a lame ass bitch you are!
Kevin Stevens : Winona – which Bill? There are a couple of them
Winona – Bill McCreary
CHT – WHAT ? That guy has it out for me
From the studio audience – a man blows a whistle
Peter: Who is that
Winona – Its my Bill ! Bill McCreary
McCreary – OK Crackhead – that is 5 mins for intent to injure character- 2 mins.. unsportmanlike conduct and a Game Misconduct !
CHT – YOU ? AGAIN !
McCreary – Off to the penalty square Crackhead
Peter: Wait a minute Bill – This is not the NHL
McCreary – I don’t care – he cannot treat my woman like that
CHT – leaves to come down and jumps McCreary ” I won’t fight any players – but I will fight Refs !”
A whole melee involves – but out from the ceiling – its SJ SHARKIE !
SJ Sharkie – “Payback is a bitch CHT” – and his jaws open and his teeth flash toward CHT
CHT: I pissing in my pants. Everyone is out to get me. I’m leaving.
Peter: But the game isn’t even over yet Crackhead…….
…..FADE TO BLACK
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Hope you like this installment of the CRACK DEN